foodie nyc

Top (Executive) Chef

Long time readers have read my detailed thoughts about the unfortunate state of food programming that has slightly tormented me over the past few years.  (You can find my long rants on the Food Network here.)

One of the bright spots in the food television world has been Top Chef.    After season two, I was not only hooked on the show, but I thanked the culinary gods for finally putting food programming on the air that was somewhat entertaining.

Thankfully, my feelings for Top Chef have not changed much as we head into the thick of Season 4.   I still think the show has retained much of its heart and soul and continues to be at the top of my must see TV list.   

But.   

Yeah, but.

What could I possibly criticize about  the current state of Top Chef, considering it's must see TV and it's probably at its peak of popularity?

In a nutshell, I think the move to almost exclusively cast executive/sous/line cooks from high-end restaurants across the country has resulted in a homogeneous set of cooking styles and techniques on the show, resulting in Quickfire and Elimination challenges that serve up dishes from contestants that are all coming from the same perspective - that of the the two-four star, big city restaurant chef.

Let's take a step back.

There's no doubt that the quality of chefs across the board needed an upgrading from Season One.     At some point, it became clear to the viewer that the cute but slightly unpolished contestants with untraditional experiences (caterers, sommeliers, etc) were never going to win the top prize.   And as the seasons have gone on, contestants like Stephen from Season 1 have been slowly weeded out for the likes of high-end restaurant chefs from the culinary capitals of the country.   Sure, maybe  one or two folks with untraditional cooking experience have trickled into the pool (Betty was billed  as more of a caterer in Season 2, as was Micah in Season 3), but they proved to be either total hacks or inconsistent,  further pushing the producers of Season 4 down the path toward selecting candidates from the traditional restaurant pool.

My issue with this approach is based on an observation I've made as a passionate restaurant diner eating and living in NYC for the past ten years.    The high end dining  world  in a  city like NYC has created a restaurant formula upon which all of the current contestants from Top Chef are born and raised.   With all of these chefs coming from the same cooking and food culture, they all have similar philosophies, techniques and ideas.   Their food all has the same polish.   Their plating looks the same across the board.    The dishes that are being churned out each and every episode look very familiar to me.      Why? Because I have seen them all before.    Every Friday and Saturday night while eating out in New York City.

From a food perspective, I'd like to see a seasoned cook with untraditional experience in the mix as well.    Speaking from my own perspective, I can tell you that because I don't have traditional restaurant experience, I would most likely be cooking dishes that seemed a bit different from the rest of the restaurant chef contestants.  Why? I lead a different life from a line cook in a high end restaurant, for starters.   I have the time to travel.  Time to hit all the restaurants that could provide me with a new spark and a new inspiration.   Therefore, I think it would be hard to pin down what kind of food I'd crank out in a Top Chef atmosphere, because that's how I've trained myself to think and cook over the past ten years.   Like any person in any walk of life, untraditional  experiences lead to unique perspectives and talents, which is a philosophy I think Top Chef is currently lacking. 

This is not meant to read like an ad for me to be on Top Chef.   Rather, it makes me wonder what would happen to the level of culinary and entertainment excitement if the producers of Top Chef looked deeper into the culinary community of this country for high quality talent that could present a unique perspective. 

Imagine if an underdog won a Top Chef, or made it to the finale.  Imagine the home cook/caterer/food writer/unheralded cafe owner/Mexican taco truck owner/five room country bed and breakfast owner knocking off a sous chef from Le Cirque?  Imagine an underdog similar to Michael from Season 2 pulling out a stunning upset?  Imagine the buzz and excitement that would follow something like that.   Beyond cooking and food, there would be a whole human interest, underdog story that could give the show the potential to continue being fresh and exciting a few years down the road.

The question that immediately follows is...could this even happen?  I think the answer is definitely yes, it could.   It would be a long shot, but those rare occasions when long shots become reality are the types of TV moments we all crave.    You saw the Giants win the Super Bowl this year, right?

Clearly the producers of the show would have to give a thorough effort to make sure these wild card contestants could compete on a quality level.   Not only would the producers need to comb the country for this untraditional talent, but they'd also have to probably put them through a bunch of technique and cooking try-outs in order to feel confident these wild cards wouldn't take down the quality of the food on the show.   

My solution to all this would be to have one or two wild card cooks with non-traditional experience on the show each season.  In order to maintain quality, Top Chef should hold a nation wide search for non-restaurant chefs.  They would then invite a list of non-restaurant cooks and chefs to a week long competition and put them through demanding challenges as they'd encounter on the show.  After tasting their food over time and seeing them in battle, the judges would select two wild card contestants that they think can and will compete on a level of quality of the restaurant chefs.   

As of now, I worry that the current Top Chef formula of having restaurant chefs battle year after year will lead to one of my favorite shows becoming a bit predictable and generic.   

Hopefully, one of these seasons, a true wild card will emerge and shake things up a bit.

Longing For A Modern Day Harvey's

I recently finished reading The Devil in the Kitchen, an uncensored memoir written by the infamous British chef Marco Pierre White.

Chef White's career preceded my awareness of great restaurants and chefs, as I was just a teen when he became the first British born chef to earn three Michelin stars. But I had tracked down his first book, White Heat, which I had heard was unlike most cookbooks I had previously owned.

The food wasn't a huge focus for me when I first read White Heat.  Rather, I found myself fixated on the raw, brutal, unrefined nature of Chef White's writing and appearance.   Equally perplexing was the elegant, refined and thoughtful approach to cooking that contradicted his brutish nature.  I remember reading White Heat and catching myself with my mouth gaping (sometimes smiling), as if watching a train wreck heading for a crash that's somehow avoided.

When The Devil in the Kitchen landed in my lap (thanks Laren), I was skeptical about the quality of the story Marco was going to tell.  I pictured an inarticulate, slightly emotionless, brutal behind-the-scenes story about how White used to torture his kitchen staff in the pursuit of perfection.  I'd read about Mario Batali's abuse at the hands of White (in the book Heat), as well as Gordan Ramsay's war stories with White and wondered if this would be a shallow, surface level book that you'd read and forget about weeks later.

To some extent, this book is just that.  The difference is that the restaurant war stories are absolutely hilarious and shockingly unbelievable.  I've personally never seen or heard of someone getting kicked out of a restaurant by a superstar chef for complaining to a waiter, or getting into a fist fight with a chef in the kitchen.  And rest assured, the stories are just damn funny coming from Marco's brutish voice.   Somehow, Marco's unrefined, simplistic writing style adds to the humor and drama of his story.  Yet, his real and honest voice allows White to get very personal.  Even when he glosses over some of his feelings while discussing emotional points in his life, his tone of voice somehow communicates his choked back tears. Curse word after British slang after typo, I questioned the editors of this book but then realized the editors are one of the stars here - they did an excellent job leaving Marco's voice unpolished and unprofessional.  It makes the book.

There are many aspects of the book I can discuss here, but I'll just focus on the one thought I had over and over again as I read about Marco's rise to three star perfection.

Marco's first restaurant was called Harvey's, a small restaurant that Marco brought from nowhere to Michelin star fame.  The stories behind the day-to-day life at Harvey's are one of the highlights of the book.  As I read about Harvey's, I remember thinking about how I've never been to a restaurant like this in my life.  At any given night, White makes it seem as if you'd witness a guest getting kicked out of the restaurant, guests getting into fist fights in the kitchen, chefs getting into brawls in the back alleys behind the restaurant, chefs having sex with guests in back rooms, movie stars acting like clowns in the dining room....it seemed to go on and on.

Harvey's seemed to have adapted the personality of Marco - the dichotomy behind his thoughtful and perfect cuisine and his brutish, unpredictable, over-emotional tendencies.   If a modern day Harvey's were within my current reach,  I would want to dine nowhere else.

In my opinion, high-end restaurants these days avoid displaying the personality of their owner (Babbo has always been one of the exceptions, thankfully).  These days, it's all about following a formula to accomplish a goal of delivering refinement, trendiness, or a theme/genre.

Dining at Harvey's meant entering the world of Marco and knowing that while you'd get an amazing meal, something could happen at any given time that could be a little bit offbeat, quirky, or down right wrong. And that's one of the reasons why people went to Harvey's.  Harvey's wasn't able to be replicated next door, as there was only one Marco Pierre White. 

I long for this type of restaurant in NYC.  But thanks to The Devil in the Kitchen, I somehow felt like I was transported to Harvey's - and damn was it tasty.

2006 Best and Worst Food Shows

I’ve spent a lot of time analyzing the current state of food TV and not much has changed since my  2005 Best and Worst list. Unfortunately, this is due to the complete mismanagement at the Food Network, which has hit record lows in programming quality. The Food Network continues to suck, PBS is still humming along but needs a few new shows and Bravo has thankfully created one of the best food shows in recent memory. Last year’s list was by far my most popular post in the history of this tiny site, so I hope this creates a new forum for those of you who like to commiserate over such dorkiness.

Thanks But No Thanks

Semi Homemade with Sandra Lee

I’ll go out on a limb here and say that this is worst food show ever created and produced for air. Yes, pervs, I understand that she has large boobs and they are intriguing in the semi-homemade sense, but I’m not going to go into boob analysis on this site. But please, people. There’s no hotness here. And since her food makes me want to puke, 2005 led me to dedicate hours of my life devoted toward expressing my utter distaste for everything Sandra Lee. What I find more interesting is how this crap is still on the air. Who watches this show and likes it? Seriously. I need to know. I need to find you, Sandra Lee lovers, and understand what makes you tick. I will devote precious FoodieNYC real estate to let you wax on about your semi homemade fantasies like pre-packaged mashed potatoes and the joys of creating NASCAR themed tablescapes. Since Food Network is completely out of touch with its viewers and all current food trends, I predict 2007 will lead to a 10 year Semi Homemade contract extension.

Unwrapped

I don’t even consider this a show. It’s more like an infomercial. I’d rather watch that dude Chef Tony sell me a Pasta Express. The few times I have attempted to watch this show has led me to lose multiple IQ points. In addition, I have woken from my Unwrapped brain coma drooling, wearing goggles and covered in whipped cream like the kids in Mark Summers last successful show, Double Dare. Unwrapped is a great show because not only can I learn about the process of making Dum Dum lollipops for exciting party conversation, but my brain will be guaranteed to turn into one as well.

Paula's Party

Food Network is trying to turn Paula Deen into the next Emeril. I bet you she scores well in focus groups with people who still think there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. You don’t believe me? I predict more of the mass commercialization of The Butter Queen in 2007. I can see it now.  Paula Deen Crisco sponsorships, Paula Deen Butter Injections products available at Walmart, the Paula Deen Transfat line.  This will then lead to a rise in the depression rate in North East and West Coast regions of the U.S., followed by increased cholesterol levels for the rest of the country. Good times ahead, Y’ALL!!! Now go get some chugging butter ready for the Paul Deen marathon coming soon to prime time!

The Next Food Network "Star"

How ironic. You compete on a reality show that is second rate to Top Chef. You are then anointed a second rate food competition winner. You win the chance to become the Food Network Star, which gives you the chance to embarrass yourself in front of your family by creating a program that is book ended by Semi Homemade with Sandra Lee and The Secret Life Of. You get to be judged by Sandra Lee herself during the competition, who gives you points on food preparation because she’s clearly aced that aspect of her life. I would try out for this show and intentionally attempt to lose.

Eh.

Everyday Italian

Look. I do not rip Giada on this site. Last year, I refused to put her into the worst category due to her breakthrough cleavage demonstrations and her cutting edge cleavage techniques. But listen people. I have been studying Everyday Italian and there is a marked reduction in cleav love recently. This could be a career killer for Giada, so I will again make my cleav styling skills available to her as needed. By the way, I guarantee her Giada goes on Tour show will die a cruel, unremarkable, boring death like Food Nation, Alton Hits the Road, and Molto Runs Around the Midwest. I’m not sure why, but it may be because we’ve all seen this concept and it SUCKS!

Ace of Cakes

I would never intentionally make time in my life to watch Ace of Cakes, but it is a pretty decent show. Mr. Ace is pretty creative and his business seems to hinge on a semi-stoned dude holding onto a flamingo cake in the back seat of a shady van. I like the rando characters who work there. If this show were on Bravo, the character development would be a lot edgier and would probably be a lot funnier. Hey Ace, go pimp yourself to a cable channel that cares, dude.

Barefoot Contessa

Her cooking is honest and seems pretty tasty. But the fake scenarios continue to nauseate and will seemingly become less tolerable as time goes on. Barefoot needs to put some shit kicking shoes on and get a new show concept before her lameness starts to overwhelm her cooking.

Best of a Bad Lot

Top Chef

Top Chef is the best food show on TV right now, hands down. Wanna know why? Food geeks, general food lovers and even apathetic food people all love it. Even better, I think it’s just hitting its stride right now. The characters are rich without being annoyingly overdeveloped, the challenges are honest and interesting, the production values are high, the host is smoking hot, Colicchio does a nice job and guest cheffy judges add spice to each show. I would say this is the best food show on TV right now and the best since Iron Chef proper launched in the U.S. in the late 90’s. Don’t believe me? Try and think of one. Bourdain? I could listen to those arguments. Iron Chef America? I ‘d say a notch below.

Throwdown with Bobby Flay

I suspect some of you will torch me for this, but I like Bobby Flay’s Throwdown. Again, I do not know when it airs and would never think about dropping plans to see it, but I like the concept and I enjoy seeing some of the characters he competes against do their thing,. The military guy who grills steak? Loved his story. The crazy woman who was obsessed with creating the best brunch in the South? She freaked me out but in a good way. This show is solely reliant on the guest talent, but when it’s right, the show is pretty entertaining.

Iron Chef America

I continue to like (not love) this show. I have nothing more to add to my previous Iron Chef American analysis, volume I and II, other than reiterating that 1) Kevin Brauche needs to get canned and 2) if Morimoto does not compete, we should get another Iron Chef on there to break up the continuous Batali/Flay battles.

Lydia

A+ continues. Apparently she has a new show in development, which I have heard takes her out of the kitchen. Can anyone confirm this? Be scared, people.

In Conclusion

I have been watching food tv shows for about 10 years now, and other than 2005, this was one of the worst food TV years I can ever remember.  2007 looks relatively unpromising at this point, but you never know. Cross your fingers.

Why The Food Network Sucks

You've most likely read my take on the current state of the Food Network on this site before. As I'm sure you can guess (considering my passion for all things food and cooking), I really want the Food Network to succeed.  Like you, I'm passionate about food and cooking, so why do I continue to find the Food Network such a big let down?

As you may also know, I also work in advertising and marketing.  So I've decided to combine some of my skills to dissect exactly what the problems are with the Food Network programming and marketing strategy.  I am obviously doing such an exercise for my own amusement and to hear what you think about my ideas.  It goes without saying that I don't have access to any of the viewership information the execs at Food Network use to make critical programming decisions. 

Regardless, I don't think it takes a decade of programming experience to understand what's wrong with the Food Network.

The Emperor of Wine and the 100 Point System

I recently finished Elin McCoy's The Emperor of Wine, a chronicle of the rise and influence of wine critic Robert Parker, Jr.

I can't recommend this book enough to those of you who are passionate about wine and familiar with Parker and The Wine Advocate.  I personally wouldn't recommend it to those of you who don't know much about Parker, as I can imagine the book could be considered boring otherwise.  I say this because the book takes a very granular look at his life and therefore could be uninteresting to those without a well developed interest in Parker.

The Emperor of Wine was revealing to me because I had been indoctrinated into being a serious wine drinker after Parker had already achieved major influence over the wine market.  By the late 90's, after I stopped drinking Old Swill and started caring about wine, Parker had already reached the pinnacle of his influence. 

When I began researching wines that I should consider buying or tasting, the 100 point system for rating wines was already firmly established as the major method for wine critics.  I have never known anything but the 100 point system.  Parker's system had become so ubiquitous that by the time I began consuming wines regularly, retail shops, wine retailer websites, and even other wine publications like The Wine Spectator were using the 100 point system full stop.  In fact, it is so ingrained into the wine marketplace that I barely even knew the 100 point system was developed by Parker.  This book does an excellent job taking you through how Parker started The Wine Advocate and how the 100 pt system became adopted within the wine marketplace.

As you probably know, once Parker gives a wine a great score, sales jump and the wine not only sells out almost immediately, but its value and price usually increases as well. There are a host of  consequences to such power, and the book does an excellent job outlining them for the reader by providing many sides of the issues - from the winemakers, importers and even Parker's point of view.

There are a few issues that struck me, but rather than write for days on end about them, I'll just stick to the issue of the 100 point system.

Johnny Moneyburner and the Tale of the $7K Grill That Sucks

I'm sorry I haven't posted this sooner, but it slipped my mind until now.

A few Sundays ago in the NY Times Sunday Style section, I noticed an article about souped up, high end grills.  I was on my way out of NYC to enjoy Memorial Day grilling for once in a blue moon.  In some ways, I was traveling to grill.  Pathetic but true.

To my horror, this article was not about celebrating the joys of grilling or the art of the Q.  In fact, it highlighted for me that I am very naive about the world of food and cooking.  I am not clueless enough to think that most other people share the passion for food and cooking that we do.  In fact, only a few of the people I spend time with on a daily basis share this passion with me.  Which is fine.  To each their own. 

But you can imagine my rage as I read the following on the way to a desperate attempt to have the rare chance to BBQ. 

"Last fall, Dave and Allison Petrullo of Commack, N.Y., installed a custom-built Cal Spas grill on their patio with an outdoor refrigerator. They spent more than $100,000 renovating their backyard with a new synthetic deck, masonry, a whirlpool and a pool waterfall, so $6,500 more for Mr. Petrullo to have a brick sanctuary with a Cal Spas grill as its central altar seemed like nothing. "I told him to just go for it," Ms. Petrullo said. "And get your dream barbecue."

Though they have actually cooked on the grill only three times since they installed it, it has been a hit with Mr. Petrullo's friends, who congregate around it at parties and give it a going-over like a pack of high school boys around a Corvette, Ms. Petrullo said. "They like to lift up the hood and play with the knobs," she said. "They open the doors underneath, and they open the fridge next to it to check it out."

WTF?

Is this for real? Let me get this straight.  They just dumped $7K so their man-child friends can come over and play with fucking knobs? What a joke.  I love the picture of them above.  The dude, Johnny Moneyburner, is using a big-ass fork to puncture the meat he is grilling, so all of the juices run out. Nice.

Oh, by the way.  I wouldn't even trade my handy Weber pit charcoal grill for that rinky dink shit grill in the photo.  The extras around the sides are cool, but that grill sucks ass.   I can just see Johnny Moneyburner evaluating the decision as to whether or not to flush $7K down the toilet.  "Honey this is a no brainer.  Grill sucks? Check.  Won't ever use it? Check.  Outrageous price tag? Check.  This is the grill of my dreams."

"Oh honey, you're my hero....AND WE'RE IN THE TIMES!!"

Dirty Sugar Cookies Meets Mint Tapioca

When Ayun Halliday asked me to host a stop on her virtual book tour, I had to accept.  I loved the idea of a virtual book tour.  Could I do a virtual cookbook tour? Shit, I'm sure someone has already beat me to it.   I was also intrigued to read Halliday's new book, Dirty Sugar Cookies.   She mentioned something about hating pasta in an email to me, so I knew this book would be interesting considering I have dreams about the fresh, soft sausage filled tortellini we had while staying in Modena a few years ago.   Pasta is one of my favorite things.  Ever.  I needed to find out how such a tragedy could occur!

But it was far from a tragedy.  In fact, I enjoyed some of the family and food related stories Ayun tells in Dirty Sugar Cookies.  I can't forget about the story of her mother making crazy gourmet food on a nightly basis for her and not always appreciating it.   I always get a lot of crap from my coworkers who sit and openly laugh about when I will become a Dad and give my kids fancy fussy meals all the time (a joke about foie gras in a launch bag sent them into laughter.  Losers).  But the crazy Aussie woman I work with thinks it will be even funnier to envision me opening a can of Chef Boy R-Sandra Lee for a screaming kid. (Now that's not gonna happen).

Ayun's book stirred many food thoughts from my past and made me think about them for the first time in a long time.  But her editor had her leave out a now mysterious chapter based on why she hates pasta.  This is indeed very intriguing to me.  I would love to know why - send me this chapter, Ayun!

So in tribute to the launch of Ayun Halliday's Dirty Sugar Cookies, I'll re-post an old dish from the archives that is not a pasta, yet possibly an interesting substitute.  This dish is curry seared scallops with mint tapioca and green onion sauce.

You can pick up Dirty Sugar Cookies here.

My Dream Jobs in the Food Industry

People always ask me what type of career would interest me in the food industry.  I usually rattle off grandiose plans about opening my own restaurant.   But I recently started to think about other opportunities I'd consider.   Any of you out there that can make these dreams come true should contact me immediately.

Giada's Cleavage Stylist
I can just see it now.....

Director: "All talent on set."

Me: "Hey G, let me have a last look at you before we shoot."

I stare at Giada's cleavage intently while I speak to her.  She is very cool with this.  It's my job.

Me: "Yeah, great.  MMM....maybe we should look at getting more "spillage" going on here.  What are you making? Fritattas? Yeah, definitely need some spillage for this one.  Fritatta episodes are a total snoozefest."

Giada: "Oh, Joe.  You are a genius.  No one knows my cleavage like you do."

In the middle of the shoot, I lean into the director's ear and whisper something. 

Director: "Cuuuuuuutttttt.   We need makeup to take care of Giada.  There's all this glare on her cleav.  Men aren't going to watch this effing fritatta episode with this crappy glare covering up the goods.  Great job, cleav stylist!"

Another day, another cleav successfully styled.

Recipe Editor, Food & Wine Magazine

I always wondered what it would be like to have a job where I could show up intoxicated to work and have it not be an issue.

So after brainstorming a few ideas, I came up with recipe editor for Food & Wine.   Think about it.  There is a team of people sitting around their offices looking for and testing recipes for upcoming issues.  Of course, there would be the kiss ass Type A who would try and come up with relatively interesting recipes that were slightly creative and unique.   But we all know that only consists of 1 or 2 recipes out of the 30 they publish per issue.

Here's a staff meeting:

Type A Editor:  "I was thinking about introducing Americans to this Argentinian style fried cheese I ate there recently.  But maybe we could grill it instead...."

Type F Editor (the position of interest ) : "Urr...I've got a great one.   Roasted red peppers."

All:  "Dude.  You are genius.  Let's put that in the June issue."

Type A Editor, sensing competition: "Uuhhhh.  I know that sugarcane is really big in...uhh....Kansas.  What about shrimp that we serve on a sugarcane?"

All: "Dunno if women in the middle of America will run out and buy some whole sugarcane, but f-it.  Run it!"

Type F Editor, slurring at this point and drooling:  "How'z about...urrrr...(mind blanks)...."Arugula salad? With...uh...parm?"

All:  "Dude, you are an ace! Publish it!  What would we do without you?"

Local Wine Shop Point Rater

Do you every shop at a wine store and see wine ratings from a source other than Wine Advocate (Robert Parker), Wine Spectator, Wine Enthusiast and wonder just who the hell that is? I see this all the time in wine stores and at wine retailer websites.  You'll get a random quote with some descriptors and a point rating, followed by an acronym you've never seen, like LWSO (local wine shop owner).

Who the hell trusts the point ratings from a local wine store owner? Don't they want you to buy the wine? Uh, yeah.  Every.  Bottle.   

I would love to be the local wine shop point rater.  Man, what an easy job.

Owner:  "Joe, I need your scores this week.  Gotta display them so novices think Parker rated some of this swill a 90."

Joe:  "Sure, I'll get right on it."

I go off to the back and look at a sea of cases of the same wine, which I would obviously need to sell and get out of the store. 

"Hints of acid underscore the wild honeysuckle flavors and a bouquet of jasmine and lilly.  Picture running in an empty field with a butterfly dancing playfully around your head.  All of this beauty is trapped inside this bottle of wine.   95 pts, LWSO."   Dude.  Hire me now.

Taco Bell Sour Cream Squirter 

You know you want to shoot sour cream out of this device. 

Not even once?

You're lying to yourself.

LEAD FAKE PLOT WRITER, FOOD TV

Here's a job in which I could come up with half assed ideas and people would think they were good! And they would air before millions of people.  Dream.  Come.  True.

Staff Meeting for Barefoot Contessa Show:

Director of Cliches: OK guys.  You know the drill. Ina can't just cook and serve food to people.  Our audience is border line retarded, so we need to create a fake scenario in which we make them believe Ina is cooking for an occasion.  Got it?

Bunch of drooling, stoned looking people:  "Grunt."

Me:  "Here we go, I hit it on the head.   This has been done 1,000 times, which means it is a tried and true classic.  Ina will make food for a college girl who just finished her finals.  All she has to do is heat up the meal and serve it to her friends."

Director of cliches:  "Seen it!  A lot! On the network in fact....I'M INTRIGUED!!!!"

Me:  "You have Ina cooking.  Then you see the college girl on the street on her cell asking Ina for advice on which flowers to buy for her dinner party.  But here is the kicker.  She goes into the flower shop and has a "real" encounter with the florist.  They read their lines like robots - you know, as if it were real!"

Director of Cliches:  "You're promoted.  We are transferring you to Giada's show.  You can really take those scenarios to another level."

Paula Deen Chugging Melted Butter

As discussed here, Paula Deen is on a mission to kill Americans and herself with butter overload. 

Take a look at this segment, captured brilliantly by TVgasm.

Taco Emporium

One of the best parts about spending a few weeks in LA recently was the ability to fulfill my taco obsession.  I love freshly made soft corn tortillas, filled with juicy braised or grilled beef, fresh fish, marinated and grilled chicken, amazingly fresh salsas, perfect light and fluffy guacamole, hot sauces, blah blah.  I think I ate tacos every day while I was out there.   Even if only to order a single taco on a given visit, this was an amazing thing for me. Why? A taco is a freaking taco, right?

Uh, no. 

You see, I live in the taco ghetto of the Western world, Manhattan. 

You heard me correctly.  Mexican food here SUCKS, I don't care what anyone says.  Sure, maybe you can stumble on a single place that serves one kind of taco that is average or if you are lucky, just good.  Maybe it's a yuppy taco drizzled with yuppified yuppiness (I know, ironic coming from me). But I like my tacos without any BS.  Just straight up freshness and simple bursts of flavor. And don't tell me to go to Queens or something for them.  I don't travel for freaking tacos.  When I want tacos, I just need them right away. 

New York needs a taco haven.  I want to bring tacos to all New Yorkers who wander around the streets in a drunken haze craving them (just me?).  If you get off on Taco Bell, this place would not be for you.   Everything here is impeccably fresh.  We'd serve every type of taco you can ever imagine. It's all we would serve.  Tacos with grilled garlic shrimp.  Tacos with braised short ribs.  Tacos with grilled leg of lamb.  Chili tacos.  Fried fish tacos.

Welcome to Taco Emporium.         

I am your host, the king of tacos, Taco Joe.

That's right folks.  We'd have a guy named Tortilla Tim and his sidekick Corn Masa Mike.   Corn Masa Mike would make corn tortilla batter all freaking day long, out in the open for all Taco Emporium patrons to see.  Tortilla Tim would press them in tortilla presses and make fresh corn tortillas of all size. Behind and above him would be huge contraptions that were spitting out tortillas at a rapid pace.  It would look like Willy Wonka and the Tortilla Factory.  Mini tacos, regular tacos.  NO burritos! NO Chimichangas! NO Quesadillas! This is TACO Emporium.

You'd walk past Avocado Anna.  Her sole job is to remove fresh avocado from their skins and mash them in a bowl right in front of you.   She squeezes lime juice, tosses in some fresh onion, garlic and whatever the hell you want and makes a light fluffy guacamole for you in about 2 minutes flat.  You love it.   

You'd walk by Salsa Sven.  All he does is make fresh salsa to order.  He has ten different salsas for you - salsa verde, salsas of varying heat, pureed chilis condiments, fresh cucumber salsa, corn salsas.  He'll wear a white headband that says Salsa Sven and the ladies will love him. Food reviewers will coddle over the hot new "bar chef".  Forget bar chef, he will be the first salsa bar chef.  Once he blows up and lands on the cover of TONY, he'll need an attitude adjustment and will probably quit.   But Taco Emporium will be bigger than Salsa Sven.

Nothing could ever overshadow the taco innovation that put Taco Emporium on the map.  Because we wouldn't rest on our 100 taco laurels.  We'd always be constantly creating and innovating.  Take the poached taco salad, for example.  That's right, people.  Poached.  Taco.  Salad.  Having a hard time wrapping your head around that one? Just stop.  You'll never get it.  But you'll crave it.   And we'll have a full vegetarian section.  Like the poached carrot taco.  Again, stop over thinking it.  This is Taco Emporium.  I am Taco Joe.  We know tacos.

Last but certainly not least, Taco Emporium will have a "kick-ass bar scene".  In fact, we will say exactly that in our press materials.  We will have the best jukebox in the city, as Taco Joe will hand pick each and every album.  In fact, I may pioneer a new type of jukebox for Taco Emporium, in line with our tradition of innovation (poached tacos, people. stop drooling.).  Like a big jukebox that looked like a taco.  This would be the cornerstone of our kick ass bar scene.

As the final piece of resistance, we will offer a VIP taco club.   If you went to our website, tacoemporium.com, you'd be able to pay a one time fee for $9.99.  This fee will allow you special access to the VIP area of the Taco Emporium bar whenever you'd like.  Sure, the VIP area will look exactly the same as the regular bar and would only be separated by a chain link, but that doesn't matter.  You'd be in the company with other Taco Emporium regulars.  Better yet, you'd receive a TE embroidered Member's Only jacket to reaffirm your membership into elite taco status. You'll probably be able to sell it on eBay shortly after for, like, double the VIP membership fee.

I know.  This is a lot to digest and will certainly revolutionize the NYC taco scene. Taco scene, people.  Say it over and over to yourself.  Taco scene.

I will be fielding limited partnership options beginning right now.  Limited is the key word here - there is only one Taco Joe at Taco Emporium.

Back to cooking soon once foodie concludes on 3/12.....

Pasta Express: The I-talian Taste-Off

Maybe some of you have seen the infomercial for the Pasta Express - a circular plastic tube that holds pasta and allows you to pour boiling water into it.  After a few minutes of poaching your pasta in the hot water, all you have to do is tip it over to drain and voila, it's poached.  No pots.  No excess water.  No strainer.  No way!

I have decided to write my own script for the next round of infomercials for Pasta Express.  Please, advertising and marketing team over at FUCKOVERAMERICA.COM, please read my script and treatment.  I am available to see this work through for you. Let me know!

PASTA EXPRESS INFOMERCIAL SCRIPT
2006 CAMPAIGN REFRESH
Commerical Title: "I-talian Taste-Off"

Open on an short, overweight balding man with an 80's porn mustache.  He is dressed in a low budget chef jacket, with the PASTA EXPRESS logo clearly marked on his chest. Underneath the logo reads "Chef Chaz".   It is clear to the audience that he is not a chef, but he plays one on TV.  You know the gag.  It's an infomercial.  This is infomercial gold and we cannot walk away from the equity we've previously built in the genre.

Chef Chaz is in a demo booth on what appears to be a crowded street in Italy. 

Chef Chaz to camera: "Hi, I'm Chef Chaz.  I'm the chef here at Pasta Express, and I'm here to demonstrate an amazing invention!"

Chef Chaz: "We are here in Italy, the pasta capital of the world to show you that I-talians like the taste of limp, soggy, flavorless pasta that poaches in a small amount of water, i.e. the science that is PASTA EXPRESS!"

Chef Chaz:  "To demonstrate this, we will cook our pasta in Pasta Express and this I-talian grandmother will make pasta in a turn of the century pot...and get this...she will actually put the pasta in a large pot of boiling water!"

Cut to a shot of a bunch Americans seated in a studio, gasping in horror.  They are clearly in a studio, not on the Italian street.  (This is important informercial equity that we must hold dear to our work). Cue laugh track.

Cut to Chef Chaz next to an Italian grandmother.  No need to cast a real one, we'll just fly in Chaz's mom from HoHokus, NJ.   She watched the Sopranos and gets "I-talians", which is good enough.

Chef Chaz pours his boiling water into the Pasta Express.  Cut to the mom who is adding salt to the water to make sure it tastes like the sea, which would apparently flavor the pasta while it cooks.

Chef Chaz points to her and laughs.  Cut to audience of Americans in the studio who laugh. Cue laugh track.

Cut to a cheesy time lapse feature.  You know, like a clock hand moving two minutes faster, etc.

Chez Chaz:  "That's it.  The Pasta Express pasta is done.  Now watch this.  All I do is strain it from the tube.  No strainer.  No picking up pots!".  Cut to Italians who looked bored.

Cut to grandma, who is pouring the pasta in a strainer in a sink.  We need her to fall while straining this pasta.   A full wipe out.  This demonstrates that people cannot pour pasta from a pot into a strainer and thus the full benefits of cooking pasta in a tube.

Cut to American audience in the studio gasping. Cue gasp track.

Chef Chaz now has two plates of pasta in front of five people sitting at tables in the demo booth. There are crowds of Italians around, staring in bewilderment and contempt. 

Chef Chaz: "Now, we will taste test the Pasta Express pasta compared with grandma's old fashioned pasta with REAL I-talians as the judges.  These are not stunt doubles or actors.  These are real I-talians that we plucked out of McDonald's here in Florence to do this taste test. So which do you like better?"

Taster #1 (we will try and cast Scott Baio for this part, since Americans think he is a real Italian).  "I like this soggy one better. MMM."

Taster #2 (most likely a Chinese person as the marketing team says this product has potential in China. I know, I know, supposed to be real Italians. But whatever, that's the magic of this medium). "I think al dente is overrated here in Italy.  Mi familia likes it poached, dude.  I mean, amigo.  Or whatever".

Cut to an exuberant Italian man in the crowd, yelling passionately in broken English: "Pasta expands - no water is gummy.  Pasta needs water boiling." 

Cut to Chef Chaz, who laughs.  Cut to studio crowd in America.  Cue laugh track.

Cut to professional Infomercial VO:

"That's right, America.  Italians don't know pasta.  Think about taking that pot out from the rack.  What a nightmare.   Throw your strainers away!  Al dente is for special nights - Pasta Express is for all the other times!  Pasta Express will soon be used in your favorite Italian restaurants like Olive Garden.  And now, it can be all yours for only $19.99.  Stop boiling pasta and using pots! Al dente is for Italians. Poaching pasta is for Americans! Call now!"

Dinty Moore, Food & Wine and the Irony of Pete Wells

Before I get into the nuts and bolts of how I consider Pete Wells a complete and utter jackass, I'd first like to take the time to say that I respect Mr. Well's career as a journalist.  Peter Wells has written a few excellent food related pieces that I have previously read and thoroughly enjoyed.

Who is Pete Wells and what the hell am I talking about? As many of you have already read around the 'nets recently, he is the writer of a recent piece about food blogging, which ran in the March 2006 issue of Food & Wine.  As you'd expect, many food bloggers have taken issue with it, while those who were mentioned as quality blogs according to his standards were thrilled with the recognition.

My issues with this column on food blogging are pretty major.  I can't understand how or why a writer wouldn't consider thinking about WHY people blog, wouldn't think about his comments in context of the magazine he writes for, or even speak to food bloggers about his ideas for feedback or perspective.

My main contentions with Mr. Wells can be summed up in three areas.

OH, THE IRONY

In an amazingly cocky attempt to demonstrate his food blogging wisdom, Pete graces us with the four or five qualities that make up a worthy food blog.   The new King of Food Blogging proclaims from his throne:

"When a blogger settles on a purpose, he needs to make sure no one else  already has it covered."

The worst aspect of this article for me is that Pete is writing it in Food & Wine, in which he is a contributing editor.  He was also the senior editor in 2001, right around the time when I stopped reading it regularly.  Three quarters of F & W's features and recipes are, in my opinion, recycled content I have read in many other places, either in the past, in competitive publications like Bon Appetite and Gourmet, seen someone make on Food TV, or even read on a food blog.   In fact, I can't tell you what differentiates F & W from any of their competitor's magazines.

Have a look at the very issue in which Mr Well writes.

HMMM, let's see here.  Recipes for  "roasted chicken", "chicken breasts with rosemary and thyme" and "pasta shells with peas and ham"? Wow,  that is some pretty original content.   Pretty sure I haven't seen recipes for those dishes in magazines like Gourmet, Bon Appetite or I Learned How to Cook Yesterday and Just Published A Magazine.  Are you kidding me?  Pete.  Listen up.  This is JV material.  People running around at the magazine in which you contribute are publishing content that is LESS interesting than what a blogger ate for lunch yesterday. 

I could keep going.  Like a section in the magazine called "where to eat next in NYC".  Next.  Ok, got it.  This should be a hot list, right? Maybe insider tips on what is coming soon? Nope.  As if on cue and contradicting the rules that Pete Wells outlines for bloggers ("always be timely and current, young food blogging Jedi"), F&W proclaims GUSTO (reviewed and on the hot list for 8 months now) and PERRY STREET (reviewed and on the hot list for 10 months, counting pre-opening hype) as tips for readers on where to eat next.  Hello? Thanks for the latest tips.     Here's a deal... I won't read Eater for the next six months and maybe the next round of tips will be news to me.

Why is original content a qualification for bloggers but not the magazine Pete writes for or used to edit full time? Maybe you should think about the context in which you publish your critical writing, Pete.  Seems a bit hypocritical to me.

DINTY MOORE-ON

From the food blogging gospel of Pete Wells, publisher of zero food posts on the web:

"...what I want from a critic is advice on when to take a ball-peen hammer to my piggy bank and when to stay home and open a can of Dinty Moore."

Yeah, sure Pete.   I think I'll take food blogging advice from you...um....never.  Crack a can o' Dinty, spread it on a Ritz Cracker, fire up the microwave and turn up the volume on the Tivo'd Paula Deen episode you missed last week, bro. Oh, wait.  Under your brilliant rules of food blogging, I guess a post on Dinty Moron Ritz Crackers would be original and therefore satisfy your genius rules of blogging, oh master?

Urr...I Forgot to Research The Subject of My Article

Pro-blogger Pete Wells proclaims, with cans of Dinty Moore and Spam held high in the air to the subjects below him:

"there ought to be consequences—something should be at stake. The political bloggers have this part down; most of them write as if the fate of the republic hinged on what Arlen Specter said on Meet the Press. The stakes are not always as obvious in gastronomy, but they do exist. Will Lin ever meet a culinary oddity that makes him skittish? (Yes: duck fetus.)"

Pete, here's where you go seriously wrong.  Any sort of deep research on your part shows that the food blogging community is indeed a community.  Food bloggers of all popularity join together to post recipes and pictures of their passion for IMBB, wine labels and thoughts on WWBW, and their favorite desserts for Sugar High Fridays.  These are the exact folks who Pete is calling out in his article.  These folks are giving their thoughts on their passion in an effort to share them with people with similar interests. 

From reading their blogs, it seems like they do have an interest in entertaining readers, but clearly they do this for another purpose.  Some of them are more recognized than others, some will get books deals, fame or other recognition,  but in reality the sense of community is what all of these blogs share and seem to thrive of off.  Pete just doesn't get that.  For some reason, he thinks that the goal of food bloggers should be to become forums for pop culture entertainment or quasi food journalists that simply relay timely food news and information.

Pete, go get a passion buddy.  Once you do, you'll realize how ridiculous your article reads to me. 

Random Rant for the Restaurant Reviewer

After 10 years of reading restaurant reviews with baited breath and careful attention, I have come to loathe the recycled language and random crap that fills many of the reviews and food writing that I read (and write. Ha.) Food and restaurant reviewer, please help alleviate my pain.  As you can see, I am spiraling into lunacy.

Here are some words and phrases that I need for you to drop from your arsinal, STAT.

STUDDED

As in "a salad of spinach was studded with tangy crumbles of recycled cliches..”

God, I hate when I read reviewers using studded. It’s somehow like a virus that is passed only between B level, amateur restaurant reviewers. Someone make a vaccine. I’LL PAY YOU.

BATHED

As in “the moist cod was bathed in a broth of coconut lemon corniness”.

No, it fucking wasn’t. Some dude took a ladle and in the .0005 secs he had, quickly dumped some liquid around the fish while flipping a piece o' monkfish.  There were no lit candles, bubble baths or attempts to cleanse the fish in pampered indulgence (I hate pampered as well in food reviews). Reading this type of rubbish makes me want to skip a bath and have Mr. Wolf from Pulp Fiction spray me down with a cold garden hose.

“Chef Batali has a great touch with seasoning”

Reviewers all over the world. Join hands. Start a reality chain (reality chain).

The head chef you are describing is not cooking the dishes you are talking about. They don’t salt the fucking food. While sometimes they taste it, sometimes they don’t. What do you expect him to do, knick a piece off your perfect fish fillet and taste it for salt? Thank you, reviewer, for totally overlooking the $20K line cook who spends their entire existance slinging hot pans in order to fade into an oblivion of underappreciation.  Also, when was the last time you've heard about sous chefs in a restaurant review? In many cases, those dudes are impacting the quality of the food more than the executive chefs.  Get off your lazy asses and find out who they are - you are probably looking at the next executive chef at a trendy new restaurant coming soon.

NOUGAT

 Not related to any of this, I just hate this word beyond belief. I wince whenever I hear it. Just sayin’.

GRAZING

As in “a mix of small bites and tapas, perfect for grazing”.

People always say this word. Why? Don’t you just think about a fat cow in a green meadow, lazily nipping crap stained grass with his drooling mouth? Do humans eat that way? Shit, they do sometimes. But why equate your eating habits with that of a cow? I don’t get it.

SPIKED

As in “a salad of mixed greens spiked with chili".

Chili spiked. Always. Chili. Spiked. Does any other flavor spike? No. Just chili. Unleash the spike from your ass and stop writing this phrase.  You are killing me. Softly.

WAFT

I don’t see this a lot, but just wanted to have you avoid it in advance.

Thanks, love your work!

 

Valentine Cheese: Make It Stop

My birthday is on Valentine's Day.  It works for me, mostly because I am often given the "that's so cute" vibe from women who assume I possess some sort of extreme romantic wisdom beyond the average man, who's birthday falls on pedestrian days like, you know, every other day of the year.

But as you'd expect, what I hate most about Valentine's Day is that it RUINS my birthday.  It's like the New Year's Eve for dating and mating.  Similar to all of the amateurs getting trashed and acting like morons on New Year's Eve, I cannot get into the restaurants of my choice on my birthday because JV (junior varsity) diners who would typically be dining at Olive Garden that night are willing to go all out for their lovers on this "special" day.  This translates into behavior like spending money on overpriced V-tine's tasting menus, receiving crappy service since the restaurant is now overbooked, and then finally causing my dinner to proceed at an absurdly fast pace so the restaurant can get us out and jam even more Olive Gardeners into my seat the moment I stand up from the table.

But most of all, it's the cheesiness of the holiday that leaves me queasy.  Look, I'm down with treating your loved one to something special, but why all the cheese?

To send me over the edge, I have recently seen enough corny, cheesy "special" Valentine's Day menus from restaurants around NYC that take the cheese factor to a whole new level.

These are actual menus from actual restaurants in NYC.  Chefs.  Listen to me.  Stick to cooking.

-----------------------------

Restaurant Triomphe

They have structured their menu in the corniest way possible.  The chef treat to start the meal is called "The Flirt."  Next follows the first course, called "First Kiss".  We are then lucky enough to get to the "Embrace", followed by...no....don't...do....it..."The Climax".  To take this work of cheesy genius to another level, we are offered dishes like "Two Hearts Meet as One".   Chef, can I order something special, that isn't on the menu for my dinner at Triomphe?  I would love for you to stab a skewer into my eye and slowly poach it in a pot of cheese, like a fondue or something.  Thanks!  (Note: I actually like this restaurant so don't take this as a commentary on their food).

foodienyc Cheese Rating:

4 Sandra Lee's
-----------------------------

Sushi Samba

Sushi Samba is going with the innovative "aphrodisiac" menu, bizarrely called "Anime Kiss".   Like the Triomphe cheese, Sushi Samba breaks their menu into categories of stomach inducing seizures.   But like all good cheese, they add a little commentary to their categories that takes it over the top.  How about options under a category called "Exploration:  Taste and Enjoy".  Uhh, no thanks. How about "Seduction: Take What is Yours".  Yow - now that is really hot.  Like Sandra Lee hot.   Good job, marketing team! Now run along back to homeroom before you get caught being so naughty.  Assclowns.

foodienyc Cheese Rating:

3 Sandra Lee's

----------------------------
Jean-Luc

Jean-Luc chef to team:  "Guys.  I've nailed it this year.  We'll just make the regular shit we serve everyday on our menu, and maybe name certain items after really corny, cliched things that will make people want to barf before the food comes out.  Whaddya say?  What? Dunno what I mean? How's about a salmon tartar with a caviar kiss? Hot eh? Oh! Oh! Just had another brilliant idea!  Heart shaped anything! Maybe crab cakes.  I am on fire! Check this one out - we'll serve regular oysters and call them "passion oysters".  Dude, we won't even bother to serve anything with the oysters that has anything to do with passion.  What dude? Serve them with a passion fruit dressing?  Stop thinking so hard about this, man. It's fucking Valentine's Day. Just oysters. With passion."

foodienyc Cheese Rating:

4 Sandra Lee's

Know of any other contenders for this list? Email me.

Giada Hates Her Food

Holy Funny. 

Shot by shot hilarity of Giada tasting and hating her cranberry granita creation on a recent Food TV episode.  

I actually saw this episode, and to be fair, she was reacting to how cold the granita was, not the taste.  Either way, hysterical. Thanks, TVgasm.

A Fresh Start to the New Year

Regular readers of this site know that I had been writing the Eating In column over at Gothamist for something close to a year and half, creating over 70 unique recipes from scratch.  I've recently decided to stop writing for Gothamist and from today on, I'm happy to let you know that you'll be able to find me over at [decentcontent], in addition to here. 

I initially decided to make this move for a few reasons.  As much as I've enjoyed contributing to Gothamist, I wanted to write outside of the Gothamist voice.  I also wanted to have the opportunity to create some new, interesting food content that just wouldn't work at  Gothamist or even here to be honest.  I've really enjoyed collaborating with Heather so far and think you'll start to see some new, refreshing food coverage once we get up and running.  I have one big project in mind that I believe will be fun and exciting for me and hopefully you as well.  I will also be doing what I like best, which is creating recipes that you've (hopefully) been enjoying here and previously on Gothamist.

But on a side note, I wish I had more positive feelings about my departure from Gothamist.  I recently found out in a comment section (!) on the site that writers were being paid, me not being one of them.  Not like I really care about the money.  Food writing and recipe creation is something I am passionate about, but it's not how I currently earn a living.  But it's about the principle of the matter. I created a whole new area of content for them and worked relatively hard to do so.  I guess I expected more dialog and collaboration from Gothamist, considering I'd been contributing relatively thoughtful pieces for them for over a year and half.

Anyway, the New Year starts with me at a new site and continuing to do what I love, in an environment where collaboration will hopefully continue to lead to bigger and better things.

So, back to the food.....check out my first recipe for [decentcontent], a riff from the eggplant nutmeg puree I created recently.  I use it again by folding it into a rich, creamy risotto while adding a crunchy Parmesan chip on the top for some much needed texture. 

Best and Worst Food Shows of 2005

I watch a decent amount of food related TV.  Not an obsessive compulsive amount, but probably more than most. I find it oddly attractive, mainly because I find most of it so nauseating.

In fact, I can count the quality, informative and entertaining food shows on one hand.  Why is this? Why can't networks and production companies crack the food tv code?  Some are informative but boring as all hell.   Many feel contrived and recycle the same theme of "My friends are coming over and I want to make something simple yet fantastic!".  They remind me of the Gourmet and Bon Appetit features of smiling, happy guests, clinking glasses and laughing hysterically over a perfectly manicured dish of something simple yet not too complicated.  The cook, in a perfect Williams-Sonoma apron, prepares food in a yuppy suburban kitchen with amazing soft, natural light, smiling and laughing, as if this was the only thing they were doing for the entire day.  Why is this the stereotype that food network people think we all want to see? Am I the only one that finds this so cliche?

So here you go, nameless, faceless internet.  My list of the best and worst of food TV for 2005.

Worst.  Shows.  Ever.

Semi Homemade with Sandra Lee.  I cannot sum up how shitty this show is any better than this post.  The concept is beyond awful - this show should be called "Half-Assing It", "No One will Know You Can't Cook" and "I Spent More Money and Just As Much Time to Make Food that Sucks".  The crap she makes is actually what I avoid eating on virtually any occasion.  Listening to her talk about serving fun, yummy treats can be used as a form of torture for any food loving person.  Who makes the decision to air this show? Are they mentally challenged?

Taste of America.  I have discussed this debacle on this site already.  Hey -  food programming director of the Travel Channel.  Here's a news flash.  If you were to cast someone as the host of a light hearted show, this person would actually need to be funny, interesting and engaging.  Wow - I just had a great idea.   If it's a food show, maybe the person might have some food experience so they could, you know, talk about food and stuff.  No joke, this show will leave your brain in neutral for about 3 days.  Avoid at all costs.

Anything Paula Deen.  Paula seems like a nice person and she does have a ton of personality, which is all positive.  My issue with her shows are pretty simple to articulate.  Her voice has the same effect on my stomach as a raw oyster gone sour.   Second, and more to the point, her food has got to be the most unhealthy shit one could ever hope to eat in one sitting.  Eat this food a few times a week and watch yourself expand into multiple forms of yourself.  Think butter, cream, cheese, lard, Crisco, fried meat all in the same dish.  This post sums it all up.

$40 a Day.  I will not waste my time or yours debating whether Rachel Ray is annoying or not.  But how the hell is a show about spending $40 a day while on vacation a good idea? Who the hell goes on vacation in order to find a restaurant with the cheapest entrees and not order a freaking glass of wine or beer with dinner?  Fucking save up for a few weeks so you can tip people more than a dollar at a restaurant.  This show is my idea of what a vacation to hell would be like.  Great idea, guys.

Passable and Fixable

Everyday Italian with Giada DeLaurentis.  The food suggestions here are relatively thoughtful and good for the everyday home cook, most look pretty tasty.  I find Giada mesmerizing to look at - her large head has been well documented and she has an amazing cleavage stylist.  Nice work, guys. 

Barefoot Contessa.  Makes some pretty good suggestions for entertaining and home cooking.  I like the close in shots of the food while she is preparing it - stylishly done but also helpful to actually see what is happening to what she is preparing.  She does a good job at talking through her dishes and is generally interesting enough.

The part that needs fixing for these shows is the above rant I make about fake, cliched scenarios of friends coming over, happy hostess serving them, fun laughing banter while eating.   Stop! I know that's what the focus groups tell you what people want, but it's such a generic formula that plays like a broken record over the entire food network.  Michael Chiarello's show is exactly the SAME SHOW AS THE ABOVE TWO but just a different host, yet the food network makes sure the cliche is extended for maximum viewer enjoyment in back to back to back epsiodes. Earth to Food Network.  Think of a new cliched theme to these shows, quick. Or just make it stop!

Good Stuff

I will not suggest the below shows are must see TV.   They are the least offensive of the bunch and all have exceedingly positive qualities.   They are not perfect and questionably interesting for non-food geeks, but this site is for food geeks, so....

Good Eats. Do everything Alton Brown says. Thank him for his uncliched approach to cooking tv.  The guy is passionate, articulate, nerdy and interesting.  His scientific approach can alienate the less intense cooks in the home, but whatever. 

Anything Iron Chef.  You know how I feel about Iron Chef proper and Iron Chef America.  Iron Chef proper is the best food show ever created.  IC America is pretty entertaining if not lacking in many areas that I've articulated on the site in detail.   This is Tivo material for me.

Simply Ming.   Why did Food Network ditch the Minger? Who the hell would think that this dude wouldn't be better than Sandra Lee on their network? Why do people eat fried meat with Crisco, butter and lard in the same dish? I don't know.  Simply Ming is a great show.   Ming makes a master recipe, say a sauce or condiment and shows you how to use it in multiple dishes within the show.  Great idea.  He brings on a well known chef who then does something entirely different with the master recipe.   Track it down on PBS and Tivo it.

Anything Lydia Bastianich.  I love this woman as does everyone else with a pulse.  Proof that the Food Network has no idea what they are doing, she has grown to be a superstar from her awesome PBS shows.  No cliches here.  Lydia makes everything real time in the kitchen of her real home.  No bullshit parties with fake people coming over.  Sometimes her family pops in to eat and help, but they are real, unscripted people and they aren't presented within the fake Bon Appetite or Gourmet scenarios.   

Worst Food Show Ever?

After a long couple of days, I finally get some down time and decide to watch some TV. I stumble into a food show called Taste of America on Travel Channel.  Yeah, I know.  The red flags should have gone up at that point.  But I watch.  And squirm.  And I beg myself to turn the channel.  I just can't do it.  It is so bad that I needed to continue to watch to confirm that it may be one of the worst shows I have ever seen.  I'm actually embarrassed to be blogging about it, but I feel it's my obligation to the general public, kind of as a public service announcement.   

The Perfectionist

There is so much to say about the The Perfectionist, a book written about the life of three star Michelin chef Bernard Loiseau.  It's hard to know where to start.

In fact, I almost find it virtually impossible to discuss the complicated personality of Bernard Loiseau, who committed suicide in 2003.  It's an uncomfortable book because Loiseau's drive, ambition and personality are admirable and inspiring yet also the cause of his deterioration.  The way he personally laid himself on the line each time he preached "his" cuisine to the media, it's not hard to understand how his entire life, his entire being was called into question when it appeared "his" expression of classic French cuisine had fallen out of fashion.

That's the part of becoming a celebrity chef that is incredibly scary.  If the cuisine that has brought you into fame is marginalized, found to be out of style, or even just OK, it's hard to reinvent yourself.   If you are known for classical French cuisine, it's hard to just say you are a global fusionist on the drop of a dime. But more to the point, if your cuisine falls out of favor or slips a notch, it's you who the critics rail against.  It's your name that is tarnished.  It's not a faceless, nameless company or a CEO who can just get another job at another company after resigning.  This is personal. Your food sucks.  All of those years to reach this point - down the drain. You are good but not great.  There are very few professions outside of the entertainment or sports industries like this.

Author Rudolph Chelminski pieces Loiseau's personality together in a very revealing light.  The book is so rich with thought provoking, emotional, psychological stories of chef Loiseau's character that it's a worthy read on that aspect alone.  But what takes it over the top is the historical account of the evolution of the high-end French restaurant landscape over the 20th century into the 21st and the liniage/cooking style into which all of these important chefs were born into and eventually inspired by.   Can't recommend this book enough (even though I find the book a bit repetitive a times).

Iron Chef America: Season 2

As you've heard here before, Iron Chef America is going relatively well for me. It's not must see TV, but it's entertaining.  There are a few hits and misses, but overall it exceeds my expectations.

Season 2 has just begun, with Molto taking on Todd English, the man who owns 17 restaurants.  17 restaurants? Um, Todd - ever hear of adding too much water to your stock? You're being diluted into a happy, nodding chef puppet. (Though the pizza at LGA is actually a public service, so thanks man. )

That's why I was so thankful to see him put his commercial success and culinary skills on the line with this Iron Chef appearance. I remember the brief PBS TV run he had inbetween FIG airport restaurant openings, and I was pretty impressed.  He's very talented and while I think he's way too heavy handed with fats (people would literally die if they ate his food every night...not cool), he deserves culinary accolades.  He's recently been getting whipped back down to earth, though.   Bruni wrote a scathing review of the English restaurant chain expansion into NYC, which I only found palatable through the eyes of Bruni Digest.

Overall, the English v Batali battle was entertaining, with a few exceptions.....

NOTE: PLOT DIVULGING INFORMATION with SPECIFIC COMMENTS ON DISHES FOLLOW. OUTCOME IS NOT DIVULGED, HOWEVER.

Iron Chef America Analysis II

After viewing most of the episodes since my first Iron Chef Analysis, I have a few highlights and low lights to share.

Scott Campbell proved me correct in  my previous analysis - he was really off the mark at best.  He never really presented a challenge to Molto. In fact, I thought he was awful.  Huffing and puffing around the kitchen in an effort to place as many ingredients on the plate as humanly possible, he actually received one of the lowest panel scores I've seen to date.  Again, this show would benefit from better challengers and more meaningful matchups.

I can't wait to see Cat Cora.  Not because of the whole "first woman Iron Chef" angle, but because Alex Lee, formerly of Daniel, is going to give her a real workout.  I think he could beat most Iron Chefs, but somehow it's hard to see the "first woman Iron Chef" losing. Either way, I do think I'll make an effort to catch this one.

Sideline reporter Kevin is even more clueless than previous commentors in my last report noted.  In a rerun of the Bayless v. Flay battle, I've heard Bayless tell Kevin: "WWWOOH...Can I get a better pronunciation of the peppers, please?" Kevin, looking sheepish says something to the effect of : "Sorry Chef, teach me how to say them."  Dude.  Kevin.  He uses the same chilies in his books and TV show. Ever think of doing some research before the show? We need a more interesting sideline reported who can really add some life to the show.

Aside from these critiques, I still enjoy it and think the next season could be even better after they work out some of these kinks.

PBS Sundays: Better than Food Network

Year after year, the Food Network gets even more watered down from its original cooking programming heritage.  Long gone are professional and celebrity chefs actually cooking and teaching techniques to home cooks. 

Instead, Food Network began to move their celeb chefs from one-on-one cooking demos in front of the camera to cooking in front of an audience.  This happened with Flay, Molto, and of course Emeril. Over time, these chefs (Emeril aside) were taken out of the kitchen and placed into food travel shows (add Ming Tsai and Anthony Bourdain to the above list) and replaced them in the kitchen with 30 minute meal home cooks like Rachel Ray, Barefoot Whatever, Giada DeLaSomething and worst of all, a show called Semi Homemade.  Food Network has gone from "learning how to cook at a high level" to "how to be an average cook and get dinner on the table quickly".   

Sure, I guess it makes sense from a pure numbers perspective.  Most people in this country don't even cook all that much, so the Food TV programming aims to get them into the fold rather than entertain and challenge you and I with interesting, inspired cooking shows. 

Rather than spending time dissing every hack show on the Food Network that I think should be discontinued immediately (i.e. The Secret Life of...and it's brutal host being #1 on the list), I will talk to you about why I think PBS Sunday programming has the best cooking shows on TV.

Analysis of Iron Chef America

There are two things you need to understand before reading further.

Iron Chef proper is without a doubt my favorite food show of all time.  I've seen virtually ever episode they've released in the States.

All previous attempts at importing Iron Chef were, to me, low budget and low quality Americanized bastardizations of the original.  You know - Flay electrocuting himself at Webster Hall.  The Zagat family judges.   Flay.  William Shatner. Flay.

Needless to say, I had relatively low expectations for the new Iron Chef America.  After I stumbled across my first episode of Flay v.  Bayless, I have to tell you....I think it's pretty good.  The overall quality of the production - from timing, commentary (Alton Brown fills the know-it-all food geek role well) and dedication to developing a forum for high-end cooking is overall well done.

I am generally encouraged by Iron Chef America, but have these four areas of improvement that I'm going to monitor moving forward......