My Dream Jobs in the Food Industry

People always ask me what type of career would interest me in the food industry.  I usually rattle off grandiose plans about opening my own restaurant.   But I recently started to think about other opportunities I'd consider.   Any of you out there that can make these dreams come true should contact me immediately.

Giada's Cleavage Stylist
I can just see it now.....

Director: "All talent on set."

Me: "Hey G, let me have a last look at you before we shoot."

I stare at Giada's cleavage intently while I speak to her.  She is very cool with this.  It's my job.

Me: "Yeah, great.  MMM....maybe we should look at getting more "spillage" going on here.  What are you making? Fritattas? Yeah, definitely need some spillage for this one.  Fritatta episodes are a total snoozefest."

Giada: "Oh, Joe.  You are a genius.  No one knows my cleavage like you do."

In the middle of the shoot, I lean into the director's ear and whisper something. 

Director: "Cuuuuuuutttttt.   We need makeup to take care of Giada.  There's all this glare on her cleav.  Men aren't going to watch this effing fritatta episode with this crappy glare covering up the goods.  Great job, cleav stylist!"

Another day, another cleav successfully styled.

Recipe Editor, Food & Wine Magazine

I always wondered what it would be like to have a job where I could show up intoxicated to work and have it not be an issue.

So after brainstorming a few ideas, I came up with recipe editor for Food & Wine.   Think about it.  There is a team of people sitting around their offices looking for and testing recipes for upcoming issues.  Of course, there would be the kiss ass Type A who would try and come up with relatively interesting recipes that were slightly creative and unique.   But we all know that only consists of 1 or 2 recipes out of the 30 they publish per issue.

Here's a staff meeting:

Type A Editor:  "I was thinking about introducing Americans to this Argentinian style fried cheese I ate there recently.  But maybe we could grill it instead...."

Type F Editor (the position of interest ) : "Urr...I've got a great one.   Roasted red peppers."

All:  "Dude.  You are genius.  Let's put that in the June issue."

Type A Editor, sensing competition: "Uuhhhh.  I know that sugarcane is really big in...uhh....Kansas.  What about shrimp that we serve on a sugarcane?"

All: "Dunno if women in the middle of America will run out and buy some whole sugarcane, but f-it.  Run it!"

Type F Editor, slurring at this point and drooling:  "How'z about...urrrr...(mind blanks)...."Arugula salad? With...uh...parm?"

All:  "Dude, you are an ace! Publish it!  What would we do without you?"

Local Wine Shop Point Rater

Do you every shop at a wine store and see wine ratings from a source other than Wine Advocate (Robert Parker), Wine Spectator, Wine Enthusiast and wonder just who the hell that is? I see this all the time in wine stores and at wine retailer websites.  You'll get a random quote with some descriptors and a point rating, followed by an acronym you've never seen, like LWSO (local wine shop owner).

Who the hell trusts the point ratings from a local wine store owner? Don't they want you to buy the wine? Uh, yeah.  Every.  Bottle.   

I would love to be the local wine shop point rater.  Man, what an easy job.

Owner:  "Joe, I need your scores this week.  Gotta display them so novices think Parker rated some of this swill a 90."

Joe:  "Sure, I'll get right on it."

I go off to the back and look at a sea of cases of the same wine, which I would obviously need to sell and get out of the store. 

"Hints of acid underscore the wild honeysuckle flavors and a bouquet of jasmine and lilly.  Picture running in an empty field with a butterfly dancing playfully around your head.  All of this beauty is trapped inside this bottle of wine.   95 pts, LWSO."   Dude.  Hire me now.

Taco Bell Sour Cream Squirter 

You know you want to shoot sour cream out of this device. 

Not even once?

You're lying to yourself.

LEAD FAKE PLOT WRITER, FOOD TV

Here's a job in which I could come up with half assed ideas and people would think they were good! And they would air before millions of people.  Dream.  Come.  True.

Staff Meeting for Barefoot Contessa Show:

Director of Cliches: OK guys.  You know the drill. Ina can't just cook and serve food to people.  Our audience is border line retarded, so we need to create a fake scenario in which we make them believe Ina is cooking for an occasion.  Got it?

Bunch of drooling, stoned looking people:  "Grunt."

Me:  "Here we go, I hit it on the head.   This has been done 1,000 times, which means it is a tried and true classic.  Ina will make food for a college girl who just finished her finals.  All she has to do is heat up the meal and serve it to her friends."

Director of cliches:  "Seen it!  A lot! On the network in fact....I'M INTRIGUED!!!!"

Me:  "You have Ina cooking.  Then you see the college girl on the street on her cell asking Ina for advice on which flowers to buy for her dinner party.  But here is the kicker.  She goes into the flower shop and has a "real" encounter with the florist.  They read their lines like robots - you know, as if it were real!"

Director of Cliches:  "You're promoted.  We are transferring you to Giada's show.  You can really take those scenarios to another level."

Comments

[Krysten]

LOL!

that "grunt" line really got me, haha!

i have to agree, those all look like pretty good jobs...well, except for the cleavage one, i wouldnt want to be working that close to giada's giant bobble-head...might hurt me.

[jared]

You just made coffee come out of my nose. LWSO indeed. Of course, this begs for a "Nightmare Jobs" post followup post:
Batali's clog-wiper, or Emeril's sweat-cloth caddy...

[jared]

You just made coffee come out of my nose. LWSO indeed. Of course, this begs for a "Nightmare Foodie Jobs" followup post:
Batali's clog-wiper, Emeril's sweat-cloth caddy, Rachel's pep coach...

[kevin]

Joe,

With my luck I'd end as Ina's cleav stylist.{sigh}

[joe]

jared - yes, nightmare jobs might be next.

kevin - hahahah. too funny.

krysten, giada bobble head doll...now that would make a killing. i'd buy one. or ten.

[s'kat]

I'm surprised you haven't been snapped up already.

[alopeciahope]

If your "dream job in the food industry" doesn't work out ... you could definitely be a comedian. Alternatives are always good!! :-)

I was searching the web on how I could better achieve many of my life's dreams and found your blog. Thanks for the laughter!! I found a site that has helped me tremendously and thought you and your readers might be interested. The site is by Marcia Wieder.
www.mauidreamretreat.com is the site. She is also giving away a maui dream retreat that I think would be the perfect place to renew, rejuvinate, restore, and set attainable goals (and discover Hawaiian foods :-)!! Our world is changing so much that I am convinced the only way we can be successful and have careers we are happy in is to find our passion. Once I found my
passion my dream career became evident. Marcia helps in not only finding our passion but setting attainable goals to achieve our life dreams.

Thank you for sharing and bringing laughter into my day!!

May your day be filled richly with blessings and joy!

Gina

[Gabriella True]

You are the funniest person I have read in MONTHS!!!

[a.]

haha, HILARIOUS! a little late in finding this post but your scenarios made my day. i always wondered about the staged storylines in ina's show - ridiculous. but i love her house. is that her real house i wonder? i doubt it b/c giada revealed that the one they used in her show isn't either.

[Gamma]

Yes, that is Ina's house. Not Giada's house.....she has had several different sets since her show started a few years ago. Real houses that they rent and use as her set.

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[AlFroz]

The main issure with Giada's cleavage has to to with relative motion. The best moments are when she is stirring vigorously or chopping vegetables or whatever. I would watch an episode of nothing but her chopping a bushel of carrots. Another point regarding Giada is the "pleasure face". This is the expression she gives at the end or "climax" of every episode when she takes a spoonfull of chocolate espresso bay leaves or whatever and puts it in her mouth. The eyes close and a delightful "ummmh! emanates from her. If it is really good her head tilts back and her eyelid flutter slightly. I am left breathless!