Taco Emporium

One of the best parts about spending a few weeks in LA recently was the ability to fulfill my taco obsession.  I love freshly made soft corn tortillas, filled with juicy braised or grilled beef, fresh fish, marinated and grilled chicken, amazingly fresh salsas, perfect light and fluffy guacamole, hot sauces, blah blah.  I think I ate tacos every day while I was out there.   Even if only to order a single taco on a given visit, this was an amazing thing for me. Why? A taco is a freaking taco, right?

Uh, no. 

You see, I live in the taco ghetto of the Western world, Manhattan. 

You heard me correctly.  Mexican food here SUCKS, I don't care what anyone says.  Sure, maybe you can stumble on a single place that serves one kind of taco that is average or if you are lucky, just good.  Maybe it's a yuppy taco drizzled with yuppified yuppiness (I know, ironic coming from me). But I like my tacos without any BS.  Just straight up freshness and simple bursts of flavor. And don't tell me to go to Queens or something for them.  I don't travel for freaking tacos.  When I want tacos, I just need them right away. 

New York needs a taco haven.  I want to bring tacos to all New Yorkers who wander around the streets in a drunken haze craving them (just me?).  If you get off on Taco Bell, this place would not be for you.   Everything here is impeccably fresh.  We'd serve every type of taco you can ever imagine. It's all we would serve.  Tacos with grilled garlic shrimp.  Tacos with braised short ribs.  Tacos with grilled leg of lamb.  Chili tacos.  Fried fish tacos.

Welcome to Taco Emporium.         

I am your host, the king of tacos, Taco Joe.

That's right folks.  We'd have a guy named Tortilla Tim and his sidekick Corn Masa Mike.   Corn Masa Mike would make corn tortilla batter all freaking day long, out in the open for all Taco Emporium patrons to see.  Tortilla Tim would press them in tortilla presses and make fresh corn tortillas of all size. Behind and above him would be huge contraptions that were spitting out tortillas at a rapid pace.  It would look like Willy Wonka and the Tortilla Factory.  Mini tacos, regular tacos.  NO burritos! NO Chimichangas! NO Quesadillas! This is TACO Emporium.

You'd walk past Avocado Anna.  Her sole job is to remove fresh avocado from their skins and mash them in a bowl right in front of you.   She squeezes lime juice, tosses in some fresh onion, garlic and whatever the hell you want and makes a light fluffy guacamole for you in about 2 minutes flat.  You love it.   

You'd walk by Salsa Sven.  All he does is make fresh salsa to order.  He has ten different salsas for you - salsa verde, salsas of varying heat, pureed chilis condiments, fresh cucumber salsa, corn salsas.  He'll wear a white headband that says Salsa Sven and the ladies will love him. Food reviewers will coddle over the hot new "bar chef".  Forget bar chef, he will be the first salsa bar chef.  Once he blows up and lands on the cover of TONY, he'll need an attitude adjustment and will probably quit.   But Taco Emporium will be bigger than Salsa Sven.

Nothing could ever overshadow the taco innovation that put Taco Emporium on the map.  Because we wouldn't rest on our 100 taco laurels.  We'd always be constantly creating and innovating.  Take the poached taco salad, for example.  That's right, people.  Poached.  Taco.  Salad.  Having a hard time wrapping your head around that one? Just stop.  You'll never get it.  But you'll crave it.   And we'll have a full vegetarian section.  Like the poached carrot taco.  Again, stop over thinking it.  This is Taco Emporium.  I am Taco Joe.  We know tacos.

Last but certainly not least, Taco Emporium will have a "kick-ass bar scene".  In fact, we will say exactly that in our press materials.  We will have the best jukebox in the city, as Taco Joe will hand pick each and every album.  In fact, I may pioneer a new type of jukebox for Taco Emporium, in line with our tradition of innovation (poached tacos, people. stop drooling.).  Like a big jukebox that looked like a taco.  This would be the cornerstone of our kick ass bar scene.

As the final piece of resistance, we will offer a VIP taco club.   If you went to our website, tacoemporium.com, you'd be able to pay a one time fee for $9.99.  This fee will allow you special access to the VIP area of the Taco Emporium bar whenever you'd like.  Sure, the VIP area will look exactly the same as the regular bar and would only be separated by a chain link, but that doesn't matter.  You'd be in the company with other Taco Emporium regulars.  Better yet, you'd receive a TE embroidered Member's Only jacket to reaffirm your membership into elite taco status. You'll probably be able to sell it on eBay shortly after for, like, double the VIP membership fee.

I know.  This is a lot to digest and will certainly revolutionize the NYC taco scene. Taco scene, people.  Say it over and over to yourself.  Taco scene.

I will be fielding limited partnership options beginning right now.  Limited is the key word here - there is only one Taco Joe at Taco Emporium.

Back to cooking soon once foodie concludes on 3/12.....

Comments

[mike]

i would go to taco emporium. seriously.

[L]

Hell, I'd sign up 7 times just for the Member's Only jacket... one for each day of the week!

[Confabulist]

Deeply funny!

[Sarah]

Too bad you're not willing to go to Queens. On Broadway in Astoria--about ten minutes on the "R" train from midtown--there's a little place with authentic tacos al pastor. The taco maker works at a counter facing the sidewalk, the pork rotating on a vertical spit next to him. The restaurant is called Los Portales, and I think they're closed on Sundays.

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