Pasta Express: The I-talian Taste-Off

Maybe some of you have seen the infomercial for the Pasta Express - a circular plastic tube that holds pasta and allows you to pour boiling water into it.  After a few minutes of poaching your pasta in the hot water, all you have to do is tip it over to drain and voila, it's poached.  No pots.  No excess water.  No strainer.  No way!

I have decided to write my own script for the next round of infomercials for Pasta Express.  Please, advertising and marketing team over at FUCKOVERAMERICA.COM, please read my script and treatment.  I am available to see this work through for you. Let me know!

PASTA EXPRESS INFOMERCIAL SCRIPT
2006 CAMPAIGN REFRESH
Commerical Title: "I-talian Taste-Off"

Open on an short, overweight balding man with an 80's porn mustache.  He is dressed in a low budget chef jacket, with the PASTA EXPRESS logo clearly marked on his chest. Underneath the logo reads "Chef Chaz".   It is clear to the audience that he is not a chef, but he plays one on TV.  You know the gag.  It's an infomercial.  This is infomercial gold and we cannot walk away from the equity we've previously built in the genre.

Chef Chaz is in a demo booth on what appears to be a crowded street in Italy. 

Chef Chaz to camera: "Hi, I'm Chef Chaz.  I'm the chef here at Pasta Express, and I'm here to demonstrate an amazing invention!"

Chef Chaz: "We are here in Italy, the pasta capital of the world to show you that I-talians like the taste of limp, soggy, flavorless pasta that poaches in a small amount of water, i.e. the science that is PASTA EXPRESS!"

Chef Chaz:  "To demonstrate this, we will cook our pasta in Pasta Express and this I-talian grandmother will make pasta in a turn of the century pot...and get this...she will actually put the pasta in a large pot of boiling water!"

Cut to a shot of a bunch Americans seated in a studio, gasping in horror.  They are clearly in a studio, not on the Italian street.  (This is important informercial equity that we must hold dear to our work). Cue laugh track.

Cut to Chef Chaz next to an Italian grandmother.  No need to cast a real one, we'll just fly in Chaz's mom from HoHokus, NJ.   She watched the Sopranos and gets "I-talians", which is good enough.

Chef Chaz pours his boiling water into the Pasta Express.  Cut to the mom who is adding salt to the water to make sure it tastes like the sea, which would apparently flavor the pasta while it cooks.

Chef Chaz points to her and laughs.  Cut to audience of Americans in the studio who laugh. Cue laugh track.

Cut to a cheesy time lapse feature.  You know, like a clock hand moving two minutes faster, etc.

Chez Chaz:  "That's it.  The Pasta Express pasta is done.  Now watch this.  All I do is strain it from the tube.  No strainer.  No picking up pots!".  Cut to Italians who looked bored.

Cut to grandma, who is pouring the pasta in a strainer in a sink.  We need her to fall while straining this pasta.   A full wipe out.  This demonstrates that people cannot pour pasta from a pot into a strainer and thus the full benefits of cooking pasta in a tube.

Cut to American audience in the studio gasping. Cue gasp track.

Chef Chaz now has two plates of pasta in front of five people sitting at tables in the demo booth. There are crowds of Italians around, staring in bewilderment and contempt. 

Chef Chaz: "Now, we will taste test the Pasta Express pasta compared with grandma's old fashioned pasta with REAL I-talians as the judges.  These are not stunt doubles or actors.  These are real I-talians that we plucked out of McDonald's here in Florence to do this taste test. So which do you like better?"

Taster #1 (we will try and cast Scott Baio for this part, since Americans think he is a real Italian).  "I like this soggy one better. MMM."

Taster #2 (most likely a Chinese person as the marketing team says this product has potential in China. I know, I know, supposed to be real Italians. But whatever, that's the magic of this medium). "I think al dente is overrated here in Italy.  Mi familia likes it poached, dude.  I mean, amigo.  Or whatever".

Cut to an exuberant Italian man in the crowd, yelling passionately in broken English: "Pasta expands - no water is gummy.  Pasta needs water boiling." 

Cut to Chef Chaz, who laughs.  Cut to studio crowd in America.  Cue laugh track.

Cut to professional Infomercial VO:

"That's right, America.  Italians don't know pasta.  Think about taking that pot out from the rack.  What a nightmare.   Throw your strainers away!  Al dente is for special nights - Pasta Express is for all the other times!  Pasta Express will soon be used in your favorite Italian restaurants like Olive Garden.  And now, it can be all yours for only $19.99.  Stop boiling pasta and using pots! Al dente is for Italians. Poaching pasta is for Americans! Call now!"