Valentine Cheese: Make It Stop

My birthday is on Valentine's Day.  It works for me, mostly because I am often given the "that's so cute" vibe from women who assume I possess some sort of extreme romantic wisdom beyond the average man, who's birthday falls on pedestrian days like, you know, every other day of the year.

But as you'd expect, what I hate most about Valentine's Day is that it RUINS my birthday.  It's like the New Year's Eve for dating and mating.  Similar to all of the amateurs getting trashed and acting like morons on New Year's Eve, I cannot get into the restaurants of my choice on my birthday because JV (junior varsity) diners who would typically be dining at Olive Garden that night are willing to go all out for their lovers on this "special" day.  This translates into behavior like spending money on overpriced V-tine's tasting menus, receiving crappy service since the restaurant is now overbooked, and then finally causing my dinner to proceed at an absurdly fast pace so the restaurant can get us out and jam even more Olive Gardeners into my seat the moment I stand up from the table.

But most of all, it's the cheesiness of the holiday that leaves me queasy.  Look, I'm down with treating your loved one to something special, but why all the cheese?

To send me over the edge, I have recently seen enough corny, cheesy "special" Valentine's Day menus from restaurants around NYC that take the cheese factor to a whole new level.

These are actual menus from actual restaurants in NYC.  Chefs.  Listen to me.  Stick to cooking.

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Restaurant Triomphe

They have structured their menu in the corniest way possible.  The chef treat to start the meal is called "The Flirt."  Next follows the first course, called "First Kiss".  We are then lucky enough to get to the "Embrace", followed by...no....don't...do....it..."The Climax".  To take this work of cheesy genius to another level, we are offered dishes like "Two Hearts Meet as One".   Chef, can I order something special, that isn't on the menu for my dinner at Triomphe?  I would love for you to stab a skewer into my eye and slowly poach it in a pot of cheese, like a fondue or something.  Thanks!  (Note: I actually like this restaurant so don't take this as a commentary on their food).

foodienyc Cheese Rating:

4 Sandra Lee's
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Sushi Samba

Sushi Samba is going with the innovative "aphrodisiac" menu, bizarrely called "Anime Kiss".   Like the Triomphe cheese, Sushi Samba breaks their menu into categories of stomach inducing seizures.   But like all good cheese, they add a little commentary to their categories that takes it over the top.  How about options under a category called "Exploration:  Taste and Enjoy".  Uhh, no thanks. How about "Seduction: Take What is Yours".  Yow - now that is really hot.  Like Sandra Lee hot.   Good job, marketing team! Now run along back to homeroom before you get caught being so naughty.  Assclowns.

foodienyc Cheese Rating:

3 Sandra Lee's

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Jean-Luc

Jean-Luc chef to team:  "Guys.  I've nailed it this year.  We'll just make the regular shit we serve everyday on our menu, and maybe name certain items after really corny, cliched things that will make people want to barf before the food comes out.  Whaddya say?  What? Dunno what I mean? How's about a salmon tartar with a caviar kiss? Hot eh? Oh! Oh! Just had another brilliant idea!  Heart shaped anything! Maybe crab cakes.  I am on fire! Check this one out - we'll serve regular oysters and call them "passion oysters".  Dude, we won't even bother to serve anything with the oysters that has anything to do with passion.  What dude? Serve them with a passion fruit dressing?  Stop thinking so hard about this, man. It's fucking Valentine's Day. Just oysters. With passion."

foodienyc Cheese Rating:

4 Sandra Lee's

Know of any other contenders for this list? Email me.

Comments

[Nichelle]

Read Bennett Madison's "I Hate Valentine's Day"
http://www.gothamist.com/archives/2005/02/14/bennett_madison_author_of_i_hate_valentines_day.php

[mike]

i love the sandra lee's. she is def the new standard for cheese.

[Aurore]

Once again, I love how you write and how you think !

[Lisa]

I completely agree. The only thing worse is having your birthday on Christmas Day as I do. No one says happy birthday, and all your gifts are socks and underwear.